Woo baby...

It's been a hot minute since I've blogged. Been busy like crazy lately. 'Cept it didn't feel busy, though I was. Couldn't get to the internet to blog, and when I could, I didn't feel like it. We are moving to Tampa. I'm sure I mentioned that before, also that I was born there. Oh! And my parents are working at the hospital I was born in. That is so awesome. ANYHOO... So we got back from Cali a few days ago and spent some time with trifling family members and nice ones too. For a couple days. Then this morning we drove 7-8 hours up to Florida. Man that may sound like a lot but it didn't feel like nothing at all. Especially after driving for a few days from Georgia to Cali when we first went there...and having made the 7-8 hour journey by car for a good amount of my life to go visit family. Trifling family. Hypocritical family. Nice family. They come in different colors shapes and sizes. Oh the joys of family. Yeaah...so anyway we reached Tampa a few hours ago. Drove around. Looked at the city a bit. Checked out our new house that we can't get into until the 24th...there was a car and a light on but no one was home, as well. Then got stuff with hotels situated. And now i'm just back on the internet ya heard? Well anyway... I guess thats just a pointless introduction to this blog..because i had a real point to it that I seem to have been avoiding. Well...guess I'll start by saying..I am saved. Born once more. I am trying my hardest to live my life right and live it for God but still I find myself slipping and failing and falling into old habits being the old me...that i hated just a little bit. I screw things up for myself constantly and failed to realize that I was trying to handle life all my own when in reality none of it is up to me. And why things are going all wrong is because I'm trying to do it all alone and I'm just feeling like the lone ranger, having to take care of things myself..but what I really need to do, and knew that I should, just didn't realize that I wasn't...is just to let go, and let God. For some reason that has been really hard for me. I've been trying to change for the better but sometimes it turns out to be the for the worst because I can't change without guidance...I don't know how I'm supposed to be..I don't know anything... So I've been praying a heck of a lot lately too..more than I've ever done my entire life..and I feel a lot closer to God, like He really knows me. That's a wonderful feeling, really. That someone can actually know who you really are when it seems that absolutely know one does. Makes me feel a tiny bit less alone as well... And the thing about it is for me, that though i don't portray it at all, I am a very private person. Things that are important to me, that I truly care about..and things like how I am REALLY feeling.. I keep to myself... My relationship with God is also something that I keep for myself. I don't really like to pray with other people I just realized. When I visit my family who appear to be deeply religious and deeply hypocritical at the same time, we always pray aloud before meals...before long drives...but I always find myself praying silently to God afterward, as if I hadn't just prayed along with everyone else. So odd, and I didn't really know why I did that...I guess because my relationship with God is really personal and I don't like for other people to nose their way into it. Like I almost just now told what I'd been praying about too but there was a huge red flag that popped up I guess, and i didn't really rethink it, i just didn't type it out. To the readers that know me personally you may know that I spill all, but in reality I'm not telling you everything. I'm telling you what I comfortable with saying, though most would not be comfortable with some of the things I tell... for instance, the drama my family has that is most usually rooted within my estranged sister. I guess that stuff didn't really matter to me too much...well...ok of course it mattered to me...but it didnt matter so much that it was something I had to hold inside for myself. All of that was too frequent and mind wrecking to not vent about. And I know from experience that it is not good to hold things inside..and its especially not good to hang on to things, not forgive, and not let go. Now I'm sure I was going somewhere else with this. But no, if you know me, honestly I don't always have something to say... So I guess the moral of this story (???) is... Well... It's not really a story... So I guess..when you step away from this blog and proceed with your life, I guess the one most important thing I want you to take with you is that you need to let go. In what sense do I mean? Every sense. You need to let go of when people have done you wrong...Forgive and forget. You need to let go when you have done something wrong. Try to make it right, and if all else fails don't stress over it. You'll drive yourself insane. Just let go. And most importantly....you need to let go of your life...what I mean doesn't seem apparent when I say that though...it seems that I mean to go kill yourself, but no...I don't mean that... I mean that...everything you want isn't always going to happen... And you cannot go life alone...and you can't really just take the wheel and steer the car where you want it to go on the road of life... because its going to twist and turn and there are going to be detour signs and all that great stuff... the road's gonna take you where it wants to take you...for as long as it wants to take you. you can't drive it all by yourself...so hand over the wheel and get some help for the journey =/

Let go. Let God.