lets call this a r.o.a.s.t. moment.

(look that up in the archives if you are a new follower and have no clue what i mean by r.o.a.s.t. or i could just say it.. rambling. on. about. stupid. things. lol xD btw thank you for reading and following, followers and readers, old and new) =]

how you doing?
I think im doing pretty............... pass!

*warning. please feel free not to read past this point. you have been warned. what ever annoyance and other emotions you feel after and whilst read, are your responsibility. you have been warned. can't sue me. hahahahaha*


well I wrote a crappy song =o

I know its crappy because i have no skill at song writing =/

And look, there is me selling myself short again and having no self confidence... with good reason I'd say. Whats my problem man? I have some stuff about me i need to really really work on. I just don't know how. I mean, I can't give tips to myself... I'll just come back out as myself. Maybe I don't need to try not to be me? Well I can't trust that suggestion...well..because it's from me =/ and No... I am not biased.. against myself... that way... ok maybe i am, just not in that way i just realized... I am biased against myself in a way that I see everything i do as wrong, and I suck and i constantly make mistakes and screw things up for myself... well because I do. Thats straight, no chaser. Honestly, what i said there just then is an honest look at myself in the mirror, im not being to hard. And i didn't even list everything wrong with me either but, know what I say? Who gives a flying kcuf. I don't care if I don't like me right now. I can learn. And I can change things that are real problems, along the way. Like controlling my emotions. That is definitely not something to be overlooked. I can really be horrid sometimes and I am ashamed of myself =/ Oh well... I halfway wanted to post this on my blog.... but Naaah. tfs it stays. just for here. woo. special. i might post that song on my blog though. or keep it all safe and special to myself. yeah i think i will choose the latter. this song is just shameful. well not really. its truthful. about me. lol but it sort of is about my sister too so i guess my dad wasn't shitting me when he said i was just like her. that honestly makes my heart sink and makes me want to kill myself - but i won't though so spare me, if you actually stuck around to read this. im kind of at this point. and its weird. i was wondering what that point is when a person doesnt particularly want to live anymore...but most certainly doesnt want to fricken die. (that reminds me of some saw shit) i think that point is when a person turns to drugs. they are basically alive but they aren't living. seems their lives become based on the addiction that develops. they wallow in self pity. hm. suicide is a cowards way out but so is drugs. time for my decision. which shall it be? NEITHER. Can't decide for God when my time is....and im still going to be alive with drugs so why ruin my life? I see what happens man...and i don't want that to be me. So I won't let it be... Time to get out of the pity party. Our time is short on this earth and mine so far is still extremely short. and fuck, i dont know anything. but im willing to learn. and im not going to ruin my chances to do that. oh and people often say they dont care about what people think of them...but thats bullshit.. theres a little bit of that in everyone. just manifesting and waiting to let itself be known. so if you say you dont then you're a bullshittin hypocrite OR you just haven't found what it is yet. or else you would HONESTLY be doing what you wanted DAY IN DAY OUT. maybe. thats just my opinion. im entitled to it. but remember - if you actually have stuck out to read this crap - before you attack me with yours, im a kid and i dont know shit. and honestly i dont care for your opinion. i aint askin for it. you got mine by clickin this post, and i already warned ya at the beginning this is my journal. i writes what i want and what i feels. this be what i feelin and i wantsted to write it. yup yup. man i really have to stop using my friend as a...freakin....emotional punching bag... the way im feeling right now is a result of my own stupidity and ability to get easily attached...not his fault....oh and get this.. i actually matter to said friend. WTF??? Who the fuck would have though I mattered to someone - emphasis on I - now that is honestly surprising and i still don't believe it either.

well. i wish you love peace and happiness. please wish the same for me because im feeling kind of empty inside right now. not bad. not good. not anything. just empty. my nose feels kinda weird though. i friggin hate these year round allergies. oh and that spot i got bit by the spider at went down but it still itches like freakin crazy. i see something in the bite site too. if i hadnt freakin trimmed my nails yesterday from the jagged emeffers that they were then i probably could pull out whatever it looks like is stuck in my arm. i think its a scab but it could be a stinger or some mess. probably not though. i dont think spiders leave those. lmao what a dumb thought. thats bees. then they die. oh and this was a tiny brown spider i think. least i found one in my room. but i noticed my bite sites when i got inside from playing with dakota - family dog.

ok i've rambled long enough.

really. love peace and happiness. have good lives.

yeah this is going on my blog. sorry tfs.



*p.s., please forgive me for the swears. dunno what was up with that. they just flowed freely. i tried to stop them at some points when i noticed. but i dont feel like going back through this whole reallllly long page and correction all of that mess. i can changeeeeeee. i WILL change. i AM changing. i AINT talkin out of my neck. when i say something, I MEAN IT. Even if i don't do it on time lol. Like watching a movie a friend told me to watch. Two different friends told me to see "RocknRolla" One told me this like months ago. Well I finally "got" it and watched it. See, even something that simple, I am going to follow through as best I can. I even "got" the other movies they have recommended to me. Those will be watched soon. (Hey, I can't always be in the mood for action D= ) I'll quote Horton here: "I meant what I said and I said what I meant, an elephant faithful 100 percent" Alright? This is who I am, and yes, as well, I am now considering myself to be an elephant. figuratively of course -glances around suspiciously- lol*