Heartless

My paternal grandfather (Dad’s stepdad) died back in February of this year. I saw his body the day before the funeral and the day of. That’s 2 days that I saw his lifeless body not move an inch. Drained of color, absent of….his soul? And months later I still ask myself, “is he really dead?” It’s so hard to accept. I don’t fully understand. I guess it was as simple as he was here and now he’s not. Now he’s in a hole in the ground. I watched them bury him and I still haven’t fully grasped it.

How long does it take?


Now, my mother’s stepfather has just died. I was raised around him. Had his influence on me my entire life. I felt like he cared for me and all of my family. He loved us. I felt like I loved him. But right now, I don’t feel anything at all. For the past few months when we discovered he was sick, I was sad for a brief few moments until I discovered how he was sick…what kind of “sick” he was. I remembered how he told us his life story and I knew that just because you ‘found God’ doesn’t mean you escape the repercussions of your actions against your body. No one can live for ever, I told myself and even my mom, when she would talk to me about it. And I feel… nothing.

I wonder if I even care…about anyone. The pain of loss I felt when my dad’s step father died was for everyone who grieved him, and I wished them piece. There was a tiny ping of hurt for myself because it was the first time I’d ever lost anyone in my family, but when I cried it was mostly for everyone else. When I saw my dad in tears, I couldn’t help it. I just burst out & broke down like him. How shattering..to see your father cry. Or is it? He’s human.

When the cousin I’d never met died…I grieved for days, weeks… for that side of the family. Until they found peace. But not for myself. I never knew him.

But now, my grandfather on my mother’s side is dead and I grieve for no one. Is it because I don’t care about the people on that side of the family? Well.. I do.. to an extent. Sort of. But for now, I really don’t feel anything at all. When I see my mother.. I know she will be grieving. I guess that will be the start of my own sadness as well. Seeing the ones I love in pain…wishing to take that pain away. But, why do I feel nothing on my own?